Love or Attachment?

Love is a confusing emotion, most often applied to the realm of romantic relationships. We all want to be "in love" with someone special, and we believe that this will fulfill us in ways that nothing else can, giving our lives purpose and meaning and ultimately endowing us with perfect happiness.

It doesn't work that way, of course. No person can fulfill you or make you happy if you cannot find fulfillment and happiness within your own being. Indeed, it's unfair to ask another person to be everything in your universe, because they will not be able to succeed. And when they fail you in your expectation, you will probably become resentful that they could not perform the impossible:  validate your spirit, remove your self-doubt, and give you all of the things that the other people in your life could not.

Being "in love" romantically more often means being attached to a set of energetic patterns and loops. We seek out the people who fit into the patterns that we know, and when we find a "match," we begin to loop with them.



This doesn't mean we don't care for them, but love in this sense is rarely that transcendent state of unconditional giving and taking that holds no expectations of the other. Instead, we find people with whom we can repeat the patterns of our youth, and we continue this cycle until we heal them. This is why most people work through several partners before finding "the one," assuming they ever do.

We all yearn for unconditional love and acceptance, and we want this most from our parents. Our parents set our initial relationship patterns, for better or worse. If you're a woman whose father was emotionally absent in your life, then your pattern may involve seeking out emotionally unavailable men and trying to get them to love and accept you in the ways that your father couldn't. Of course, emotionally unavailable men are working out their own relationship issues, so you will probably never get what you need from men with this pattern. However, this energy feels comfortable for you because this is what you learned from your own father.

Naturally, this is a very simple example, and human beings are complex. By the time we begin having serious relationships with other people, our patterns were influenced by many factors from both parents, or from any caregivers we had. Absent parents are also a factor, and people who are missing a parent often unconsciously search for romantic partners who can provide the things they didn't get from the absent parent.

When we enter into relationships where attachment to old patterns is the primary, unconscious motivator, we are trying to heal our relationship patterns. This is very important, and these relationships are valuable for that reason. But even while we are "in love" in these relationships, a part of us always knows that we are trying to heal. We know that this isn't the "big love," or the soul mate (a term that gets overused), but we still stay in it, sometimes for years. We rationalize staying in spite of our unhappiness:  we love him/her, relationships are "hard work," we feel sorry for him/her, or we think we can help or (worse) "save" him or her. But the real reason we find it hard to leave is that we are too enmeshed—too attached—to the energetic pattern in the relationship. In other words, we just haven't healed it yet.

Meaningful, nurturing relationships with deep spiritual connections are possible, but you have to be ready for that person. If you want someone who is emotionally available and caring, then you have to be in the place where you stop attracting or being attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable or selfish. This means exhibiting the qualities you like in yourself, and for yourself. Explore your own emotions. What do they tell you about yourself? Can you nurture yourself? Care for yourself? Do you think you deserve to be cared for? If you've had abusive relationships in the past, do you feel like you've deserved this on some level? Heal that. Find your self-worth. If you can recognize it, then others will, too.

It's also really important to set boundaries. Maybe you never learned them, and that's okay. You can start now. What behaviors are not okay with you? Is it okay for a partner to put you down? It shouldn't be. Decide that this is not okay. Decide that you deserve to be respected. Decide that you have a voice in any relationship. Decide that you can compromise lovingly with another person. Decide that you matter. Decide that you deserve to be loved. Demonstrate this by loving yourself. And most importantly, find fulfillment and validation in YOU. If you keep expecting it to come from other people, you will continue to repeat your patterns.

When you heal your patterns, you will draw different people into your life. You will become energetically attractive in a new way. As you make this shift, you will be able to have relationships that aren't just attachments; you'll be able to explore deeper, more fulfilling relationships based on mutual respect. Maybe you'll find this with your current partner, if they're ready to heal their patterns. Or maybe it will mean someone new is coming in for you. Either way, when you start opening healing doors, miracles occur, and your life will change for the better.