Self-Love, Self-Care and Self-Worth: Part 2

In Self-Love, Self-Care and Self-Worth: Part 1, we looked at different strategies for loving yourself, taking time for you and defining your self-worth. In Part 2 we go even deeper and start understanding the fear behind our painful choices. And finally, the strategies to heal and regain a powerful sense of self-esteem.

What Do I Have To Lose?

There comes a point when you have to ask: What do I have to lose ? What is the point in staying stuck?

Taking current examples, I could blame the my ex-husband for giving up on the marriage which catapulted me on a journey that has left me still searching for a home. Why do I need a partner to settle down and have a home? Why do I judge myself and get frustrated and feel overwhelmed sometimes. It's because I’m not focused and clear on where I want to live and what lifestyle choices make the most sense for me right now. And that's okay. As long as I embrace the unknown, I embrace my fear of it. As long as I don't judge myself, I don't abandon myself. As long as I am moving towards understanding my new identity, who I am and what I want for this new cycle of my life, I can take the pause to integrate my lessons and be grateful for the quiet moments. I'm learning that stability comes from within in me. And that's very new to me.

The best thing that you can do is realise that if you’re always holding onto the past, the illusions and potential, you cannot move forward into the future. This means you’re cutting yourself off from real opportunities because you’re too busy holding onto something that either didn’t or doesn’t exist. I knew that I was afraid. Spending a lot of time reflecting back showed me that I carried a lot of fear around with me.

When we carry a lot of fear around, it’s difficult to believe that there is better out there so it’s difficult to see beyond what we already know and challenge that fear and think bigger picture, and medium to long term.

You go into panic mode, fight or flight and do lots of short term stuff that doesn't serve your highest good. It’s like having lots of false starts and instead of fixing whatever is causing the false starts, deciding that where you are is where you’re supposed to be.

In a world where action and momentum is everything, I was being asked to get silent and hear my own truth. All the lies, shadows, potentials, illusions and honesty. All of it. When we forget reality and start drifting into a fantasy world, you need to address yourself honestly and walk yourself through the pain to come out on the other side of freedom. What was I afraid of? Failure and success. Wealth and poverty. Dream job and nightmare job. The stories that were structured into my subconscious mind that kept feeding lies of "not being good enough". These are the deep soul truths that needed purification. These are the things that needed addressing.

What are you afraid of?

Fear that you're not good enough?

Fear that every negative thing you think about yourself is true – a self-fulfilling prophecy because in going out with people who reflect your negative beliefs they’re only going to serve to validate the negative, not contradict it.

Fear of being alone.

Fear that you can’t trust yourself.

Fear of being rejected or abandoned..

Fear that you’ll never find someone who brings out these extreme feelings in you.

Fear of loss and losing.

Fear of being criticized, judged or humiliated.

“No one ever tells us to stop running away from fear. We are rarely told to move closer, to just be there, to become familiar with fear. The advice we usually get is to sweeten it up, smooth it over, take a pill, or distract ourselves but by all means make it go away.”  ~ Pema Chodron author of When Things Fall Apart

Get a more realistic picture of your fears. Break the insanity and stop doing the same thing, believing the same fears, and expecting life to give you a different result. Spending time with your fears allows them to teach you. And when you are open to learning, you can gain mastery over your pain and your fear. You will find that part of you that is indestructible.

The Process

Improving self-esteem doesn’t happen overnight. Some people remain stuck in one stage or the other. There is a process that can help you move and gain positive momentum:

• Let go of the past. Keep thinking thoughts of letting go and detaching. Keep feeding your self-esteem.  Keep reminding yourself of anything that kept you small and unfulfilled and write down all the reasons why you have to move forward.
• Focus. Write down all of the things that you want to have, be and accomplish in your life.  Write down the qualities you would like to have in a man and compare your list to your present reality. Get in the habit of putting yourself first and thinking about your goals and dreams.
• Inventory your mistakes. Own your choices and decisions from your past. Take control of them now. Write a list of mistakes you've made and wishes unfulfilled. Write down the actions you can take now to make those dreams come true. This is a gift to yourself and there's great power in giving back to you.
• Read empowering and inspirational books that motivate you and give you strength.
• Listen to motivational music – Nicki Minaj's Moment 4 Life did wonders for me.
• Spend time with supportive friends and family members that love and nourish you.
• Make sure you are owning your power and maintaining your dignity. If you suspect that you are excessively needy and clingy with people in your life, remind yourself how to live as a powerful woman. Set and maintain strong boundaries. Speak honestly. Work on expressing yourself and your needs more completely.
• Release the baggage. Write a letter to your parents, past ex's and anyone who has hurt you to express all your anger, pain, frustration and anguish. Get it all out but don’t give it to them. It's very therapeutic to release all these heavy emotions you've been carrying around inside yourself.
• Work on healing your fears of loss and abandonment. If you’re aware that you have been carrying around unresolved fears of loss and rejection, make a commitment to emotionally heal yourself. Work with a caring therapist, join a women’s support group, do whatever is necessary to unburden yourself of that old emotional baggage you’ve been lugging around from your past.
• Make sure you aren’t filling in the emotional blanks in your relationships. You will inevitable feel unloved and needy if you are giving much more than you are getting from your partner. Take time to honestly evaluate your relationship.
• Feel your feelings. To truly heal, you must sit there with your pain and your fear and get comfortable with them.  Mastery comes when you sit with what hurts you the most and what you are most afraid of and you recognize that you are stronger than your pain and stronger than your fear. Try meditation and self-awareness practices like Inner Bonding or A Course In Miracles.
• Finally, Accept. Harvest. Forgive. Accept that the past is over and had its part in shaping who are today. Harvest any lessons, growth and breakthrough from your past and previous relationships. Forgive those who have wronged you and pray for your freedom and liberation as well as theirs so that you are free to create a new future based on your loving adult, true authentic self.

Once you start practicing these acts of self-love and self-care, you'll find that the fear and pain will pass through you in time. It's important to get comfortable with fear. If you repress it, try to escape from it, or you distract yourself from it, it will remain stuck inside of you and manifest as physical illness. Commit to clearing yourself consistently or you won’t heal properly.

Throughout your healing process, you will have good days and bad days. You may hear an inner voice that wants to lead you back to hurt. You are not that voice. You are the observer of that voice. You are not a victim of your past. You are a creator of your future. Take control of your life and give yourself all the love you need and want. You deserve it.

Your thoughts?