My Spiral

Artwork by Mary Herrerra

There was a time not so long ago when I journeyed through loss, separation and feelings of failure and a spiritual divorce. During this time, I separated with my husband and began a new life on the Mediterranean island of Ibiza.  I had lost a husband of 12 years, my home, memories, our things, our future, our hope. I felt broken and confused, betrayed by the promise of “the love of my life”. In those feelings of loss, anger and rage, I felt a burning inside of me. What I still had was a flame inside of me. Little did I know that flame, if fanned, would become a fire setting me free, shouting at me to chase all my dreams, setting my wings on fire, flying me home. Igniting me to begin again.

I began at the center, my center. The center of the universe.


And in that center I found chaos and shame, regrets, long buried needs unmet by myself and the world. One by one I nourished myself. I gave to myself. I become my own nurturer and slowly felt the wholeness I so longed for. I felt completeness at the center of my spiral.
I began to affirm I am vital, moving, growing, unrestricted in resources. I began to reclaim my power and my vulnerability and be completely honest with myself. I stopped blaming myself for a failed marriage. I stopped seeing myself as a fallen woman. I began to write, dance, paint, tell stories. I began to heal. And I was reborn in the Wise Woman tradition.

I died one thousand times in the natural flow of my expansion. I died and enriched my soul. I was ecstatic some moments, dissatisfied other moments. I died to every moment, I encountered pain; I lost control in the ashes. But I rose every time. And I learned how to fly.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Joy is the path of radiance in the Wise Woman tradition.
Those times when my heart hurt, when my head hurt, when my stomach hurt) I nourished myself. I nourished myself. I strengthened, transformed and deepened. I feel life. I feel joy. Then I let the joy go. I let my attachments go. And bliss comes to me.

I expand. I open my spiral. I ask myself, ‘How can regret and shame my ally? What is the gift of wholeness. I am not the sadness of my mistakes. I am not the past. I live in the present on a path of forgiveness. I forgive myself for making hundreds of mistakes and for not being perfect, for not being loved the way I wanted to by others when I needed it the most. Now I give to myself what I need. I am the nurturer and the provider. I am my own King and Queen. My King and Queen love each other, the way I wanted my mother and father to love one another. My spiral taught me that.

Now I release old stories. Old habits and patterns. I gain energy.  Every time I encounter pain and loss and make it my ally. I write about regrets and shame. They are no longer secrets with skeletons disappointed in all eternity. I unravel my skeletons and they dance. I am fierce like Kali dancing with her joy and pain.

I ally myself with all that I resist and thus become whole. I regain my holiness. Every time I nourish myself in my pain, honor my distress, and love my uniqueness, I open more. I deepen. I am become more powerful, alive, awake and fierce. I become free to be me, a woman unashamed, a Goddess walking on earth.